Experiencing God - Search for Meaning 3

The greatest joy on earth is to be freed from the prisons of our own false self, and to enter with love in union with the one who dwells and sings in the essence of every creature, and the core of our souls. Thomas Merton Contemplation in a World of Action

When I was twenty-seven years old, I remember reading an article in a business magazine called:  “Career Success!  Personal Failure!”  It was an article about the dilemma experienced by many people in business pursuing a career for the purpose of attaining success, recognition, achievement and financial security.  The author of this article pointed out that despite the successes of many people in accomplishing goals, they nevertheless continued to feel that they were failing.  They continued to carry, within themselves, a sense that something was missing from their lives.  Their accomplishments were insufficient to fill the hunger they experienced within themselves.  The things they placed their hope in for fulfillment, happiness, and well-being were not working for them.

When I read this article, it related so much to my own experience.  Although I was fairly successful with my career, and accomplished many of the things that I set out to do, I was still unhappy and very dissatisfied with myself.  The things that I desired and thought would fulfill both my outer and inner needs were failing me, and left me with this question as to what I might be doing wrong.  Although this was a painful concern for me at the time, I see now, on looking back, that much good came from this time of trial.  It is only when we feel the pain of the moment that we have the courage to look within ourselves and admit that something is wrong. The pain of my experience gave me the courage to begin to look at what I believed, to examine the source of that belief, and then make the necessary changes that would lead in a new direction.  This discernment would eventually change the direction of my life, and lead me into areas not previously imagined.

I was raised on a farm in the northern part of Nova Scotia.  Even though growing up in the country was a great place to be as a child, our family did suffer financially.  Small farms operated very successfully before the Second World War, but after that, many who operated these small farms struggled to make a living.  Since I was a post war baby, my early life witnessed this struggle, particularly with my parents, who worked very hard, but had trouble making ends meet.  So although these were happy years, I did receive a lot of reminders, particularly from my mother, about the importance of education, and pursuing a career that would be more profitable than farming. 

When I finished high school, I approached my career and early working life with a deeply engrained belief that my happiness and well-being would depend upon what I could accomplish for security.  This was what I believed, this is what I desired, and this is what I pursued.  And it really took me by surprise several years later to discover that all of those things I was accomplishing did not bring the happiness that I expected.  I was beginning to get tired of chasing after something that left me exhausted and leaving me with the deep-rooted feeling that something was missing.

In writing this, I am not suggesting that there is anything wrong with success, recognition, achievement or financial security.  Gerald May, in his book “Will and Spirit” stresses that the human spiritual longing we all experience is comprised of two needs; our search for meaning and purpose, and the need for belonging and love. 

Our search for meaning and purpose in life will result in moments of success, recognition, achievement and financial rewards.  And there is a sense of mission and growth that is experienced from our efforts in this area.  This does, to some extent, fill the need we have for meaning and purpose in our lives.  However, if our primary focus and attention is only in those areas, then we may sub-consciously deny the fact that that we also have as great a need for belonging and love.   Without the fulfillment of these latter needs, our lives can lack the purpose and meaning we need on another level.  I was to discover that, although my efforts were bearing fruit in one way, in another way I felt like I was failing.  The pain of this experience was for me Providence’s way of saying that change was necessary.  I needed to begin to take the time from my busyness, find that still space within, feel the pain caused by the dysfunction, and then listen attentively for the response.  In doing this, I would discover, with Thomas Merton, that the greatest joy is truly being freed from the prisons of our own false self. 

But at twenty-seven, I did not know this.  I only knew that something was wrong, that something needed to change, but I didn’t know what or how.  My search to fill the emptiness I experienced deep within myself brought me too many exciting authors who spoke to me through their books.  The one who had the most impact at this young age was John Powell SJ.  His light psychological approach to dealing with relationship issues appealed to me as I gobbled up his books:  “He Touched Me”, “Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am”, “Reason to Live Reason to Die”, “The Secret of Staying in Love”, “Fully Human Fully Alive” and the list goes on.  It was through these books that I discovered I had difficulty in loving.  Although I was growing in awareness of the importance of love, and loving relationships, it became increasingly clear to me that what I understood in my head was not as strong in my heart.  I experienced a deep sense of isolation and alienation that kept me at a distant from others, fearful of getting close, fearful of taking risks in revealing myself.  I was fully functional in a working relationship, a good listener to other people’s problems, but revealed little about myself.  I thought if anyone knew who I really was inside, the darkness, fear, and doubt that lurked there, I would be immediately rejected.  Therefore, it was best to keep such things to myself.  I could not trust my deeper inner self to others, and to be truthful, a lot of what I saw as my deeper self, I did not much like myself.

Fortunately for me, my faith was growing stronger, and I began to see it as the path that might lead me away from my painful dilemma.