The
greatest joy on earth is to be freed from the prisons of our own false self,
and to enter with love in union with the one who dwells and sings in the
essence of every creature, and the core of our souls. Thomas Merton
Contemplation in a World of Action
When I was
twenty-seven years old, I remember reading an article in a business magazine
called: “Career Success! Personal Failure!” It was an article about the dilemma
experienced by many people in business pursuing a career for the purpose of
attaining success, recognition, achievement and financial security. The author of this article pointed out that despite
the successes of many people in accomplishing goals, they nevertheless
continued to feel that they were failing.
They continued to carry, within themselves, a sense that something was
missing from their lives. Their
accomplishments were insufficient to fill the hunger they experienced within
themselves. The things they placed their
hope in for fulfillment, happiness, and well-being were not working for them.
When I read
this article, it related so much to my own experience. Although I was fairly successful with my
career, and accomplished many of the things that I set out to do, I was still
unhappy and very dissatisfied with myself.
The things that I desired and thought would fulfill both my outer and
inner needs were failing me, and left me with this question as to what I might
be doing wrong. Although this was a
painful concern for me at the time, I see now, on looking back, that much good
came from this time of trial. It is only
when we feel the pain of the moment that we have the courage to look within
ourselves and admit that something is wrong. The pain of my experience gave me
the courage to begin to look at what I believed, to examine the source of that
belief, and then make the necessary changes that would lead in a new direction. This discernment would eventually change the
direction of my life, and lead me into areas not previously imagined.
I was raised
on a farm in the northern part of Nova Scotia.
Even though growing up in the country was a great place to be as a
child, our family did suffer financially.
Small farms operated very successfully before the Second World War, but
after that, many who operated these small farms struggled to make a
living. Since I was a post war baby, my
early life witnessed this struggle, particularly with my parents, who worked
very hard, but had trouble making ends meet.
So although these were happy years, I did receive a lot of reminders,
particularly from my mother, about the importance of education, and pursuing a career
that would be more profitable than farming.
When I
finished high school, I approached my career and early working life with a
deeply engrained belief that my happiness and well-being would depend upon what
I could accomplish for security. This
was what I believed, this is what I desired, and this is what I pursued. And it really took me by surprise several
years later to discover that all of those things I was accomplishing did not
bring the happiness that I expected. I
was beginning to get tired of chasing after something that left me exhausted
and leaving me with the deep-rooted feeling that something was missing.
In writing
this, I am not suggesting that there is anything wrong with success,
recognition, achievement or financial security.
Gerald May, in his book “Will and Spirit” stresses that the human
spiritual longing we all experience is comprised of two needs; our search for
meaning and purpose, and the need for belonging and love.
Our search
for meaning and purpose in life will result in moments of success,
recognition, achievement and financial rewards.
And there is a sense of mission and growth that is experienced from our
efforts in this area. This does, to some
extent, fill the need we have for meaning and purpose in our lives. However, if our primary focus and attention
is only in those areas, then we may sub-consciously
deny the fact that that we also have as great a need for belonging and
love. Without the fulfillment of these
latter needs, our lives can lack the purpose and meaning we need on another
level. I was to discover that, although
my efforts were bearing fruit in one way, in another way I felt like I was failing. The pain of this experience was
for me Providence’s way of saying that change was necessary. I needed to begin to take the time from my
busyness, find that still space within, feel the pain caused by the
dysfunction, and then listen attentively for the response. In doing this, I would discover, with Thomas
Merton, that the greatest joy is truly being freed from the prisons of our own
false self.
But at
twenty-seven, I did not know this. I
only knew that something was wrong, that something needed to change, but I
didn’t know what or how. My search to
fill the emptiness I experienced deep within myself brought me too many
exciting authors who spoke to me through their books. The one who had the most impact at this young
age was John Powell SJ. His light
psychological approach to dealing with relationship issues appealed to me as I
gobbled up his books: “He Touched Me”,
“Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am”, “Reason to Live Reason to Die”, “The
Secret of Staying in Love”, “Fully Human Fully Alive” and the list goes
on. It was through these books that I
discovered I had difficulty in loving.
Although I was growing in awareness of the importance of love, and loving
relationships, it became increasingly clear to me that what I understood in my
head was not as strong in my heart. I
experienced a deep sense of isolation and alienation that kept me at a distant
from others, fearful of getting close, fearful of taking risks in revealing
myself. I was fully functional in a
working relationship, a good listener to other people’s problems, but revealed
little about myself. I thought if anyone
knew who I really was inside, the darkness, fear, and doubt that lurked there,
I would be immediately rejected.
Therefore, it was best to keep such things to myself. I could not trust my deeper inner self to
others, and to be truthful, a lot of what I saw as my deeper self, I did not much
like myself.
Fortunately for me, my faith was growing stronger, and I began to see it as the path that might lead me away from my painful dilemma.
Fortunately for me, my faith was growing stronger, and I began to see it as the path that might lead me away from my painful dilemma.
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