Has He risen in your heart
Have you let Him be free
Do you show Him the lock on your door
Or do you give Him the key.
Song by Joe Fahie from “Don’t Give Up the Ship”
Once you have
journeyed forward in life and look back, the path that you have taken becomes
quite clear. The events that made up your
life and the fruits that flowed from them can be clearly seen; getting married,
having a family, getting a new job, a death in the family, etc. Each of these events causes one’s life to
turn in a certain direction, take on a different appearance or create a different
perspective. But their impact lies in
mystery as you are going through the process.
To write about the events as you are experiencing them would produce something
quite different than writing about them after the events have taken place. I’m sure the Bible is like that as well. After all, the gospels and letters that make
up the New Testament were written many years after the actual events had taking
place. The authors knew the results of all
that had happened as they were writing about the events.
So on looking
back to my late twenties, a time when I was experiencing much confusion and
pain, I now see it as a time of tremendous growth. It was a time of walking on the edge, but a
time of remarkable break through. It was
a time of feeling lost, but also a time of remarkable
insights. It was time of uncertainty in
respect to the future, but also a time of expanding horizons and new
discoveries. The lesson that life
teaches us is that those moments of turmoil are really gateways that
lead to something greater. Perhaps one
of the greatest lessons that I have learned in my late twenties was that I could
count on faith to guide me through these gateways. Faith, as I had discovered, became something
real, sustaining, and life giving. We
have nothing to fear from faith. My
upbringing might argue that faith means not accepting reality, but faith
actually takes us to a different level of reality where hope is the dominant attribute. And with hope, comes joy; joy even in the
face of what appears to be trying circumstances.
The cause of
my pain and confusion was a problem with love and trust. And pain and confusion will remain until we
begin to travel the road towards greater love and trust. As I have said before, even though we may
know this in our heads, it will benefit us little until it becomes an experience of the heart. And this is
where the dilemma lies. How can we begin
the journey towards something as elusive as love and trust when love and trust may be lacking from one’s experience of life.
The lesson that I had to learn, and that each of us must learn, is that
you can’t, not by yourself. Nothing we
can do by our own genius, wit, intellect, or personal effort can bring love and
trust to a heart that lacks it, "by ourselves".
Until we face and accept this fact, then the fruits of love and trust
will remain elusive, and our efforts will lead only to disappointment.
In my late
twenties, I was living a life that had its struggles with love and trust. The love and
trust of which I speak had little to do with how we might normally understand these terms. After all, I had a very loving marriage and family. The love and trust of which I speak had to do with a respect for oneself, to see oneself as
valuable, to see oneself as a gift. The love and
trust of which I speak is one where it counts its blessings, smiles inside, senses
within the heart that it is special, and lives in gratitude because of these
blessings. These special qualities of heart are available to everyone, but many
never attain it, or acquire it fully.
The reason for this is that love and trust of which I speak are gifts to
be received, not possessions to be obtained. They are as free as the air for
anyone who may want them, but many fail to ask.
This is the human tragedy of our time.
Many fail to ask. Many do not
know how. How can we discover the “pearl
of great price”?
My search not
only took me to many fine writers. It also took me to community. Since my baptism into the Catholic faith
tradition, I attended mass weekly with my family. Attending mass is one thing, but the
experience of being a part of that community of faith is another. Although at times, I would experience a sense
of oneness with those around me, largely I attended mass out of some sense of
obligation, not so much to the church itself, but to those within my circle who thought it was important.. I enjoyed the services and
the music. I enjoyed listening to the
words of wisdom from the priests who presided over these services, but I was
not involved in the community. I was
more like a spectator at a football game.
I watched from the bleachers.
It was during
one of these masses that an invitation was extended to all of us in the
congregation to be a part of the religious education program. Before, this would have passed right over my
head. But this time I heard it, and I
said to myself: why not. When I arrived
home, I called the parish to express an interest in becoming a teacher. My invitation was accepted without
hesitation, and before I knew it, I was meeting with a group of new catechists
to be prepared in this role of teaching a Sunday school class. This time of teaching not only provided a
much needed service for our parish church, but also grounded me more firmly in an
understanding of my own Catholic faith.
It was after one of these classes, when speaking to one of the other
teachers that I learned about the prayer group in our parish that met on
Thursday nights. For some reason, I was
instantly interested. That next
Thursday, I attended my first prayer meeting.
The connection that I experienced with this small group of people began
the moment I walked through the door and I discovered a place where I not only
felt welcomed but very much at home. My
experience with the people of this small group remains vivid in my memory today
even though we have since dispersed and moved off in many different
directions. The songs we sang began to
touch my heart as my love for music expanded.
With new found trust, I began to share some of my inmost fears with this
group. I was given the gift of their
time, their listening, their attentiveness, and their care.
Still I struggled
much from isolation and an inability to enter deeply into a sense of relatedness
with others. This became more obvious as I continued to meet with this group of people who were so open in their
faith. It was as if that still flicker
of inner light within me was smoldering and one little breeze would blow it
out. I experienced this deeply one cold
November evening as I sat at this meeting with the others. Then one of the other people in the group
shared a scripture. “Let me turn your
heart of stone into a heart of flesh so that you may love as I love you.” It was as if these words were spoken to me
personally, and tears welled up in my eyes as I cried out in faith: "Jesus please help me”.
I cannot
possibly explain what happened at that moment.
But it was as if the walls around my heart shattered into a thousand
pieces, and I was overwhelmed with a sense of love different from anything I had ever experienced before.
It filled me
with a joy and a love, and I burst into laughter and proceeded to hug everyone in
the room, much to their surprise and mine as well. This awakening that I had experienced caused
a shift of priorities within. Things that
I thought were so important for my happiness and well-being fell away. My faith in God, and Jesus’ brotherly love
came to the forefront of my life. These
were not things I initiated. They
happened as a consequence of my awakening to His divine love. They happened as a result of my asking. “Seek and you shall find. Knock and the door will be opened. Ask and it will be given.” It was this beginning experience that brought
me in touch with the true essence of faith.
It was now clear why the Christian faith took root some two thousand
years ago and continued to spread through each successive generation up to this
moment of time. The Holy Spirit was not
a fabrication of some mystical writers in ages past. The Holy Spirit of Pentecost is the same Holy
Spirit that continues to transform burdened hearts today. Unbelievably, I was a recipient of that same
Holy Spirit. Pentecost, which was before
an obscure episode in distant history, was now part of my reality.
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