"Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister when they sin against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times".
Gospel of Matthew
I recall an incident that happened many years ago before I was married. During our dating time, my future wife and I were very much in love with each other. We were also working in the same small office, a situation I was a bit sensitive about. During one of our staff functions, I completely ignored her for the whole course of the meeting. She was very hurt by my reaction towards her and our relationship was broken off for a short time. I recall quite vividly the pain that I experienced from this temporary break-up. It was only after I went to her and told her how sorry I was for hurting her, and asking for forgiveness, that the relationship was healed. In fact, it was restored to a level of trust deeper than before.
To ask for forgiveness is not an easy thing. We like to think that we are always right in what we say and what we do. But the truth is, what we say and what we do, often causes hurt to someone else. And this hurt can break a relationship unless, of course, we ask for forgiveness. "I'm sorry I hurt you. Can we begin again." If we dig in our heals, and stubbornly insist that we did nothing wrong, then nothing is corrected, nothing is healed. It takes humility to admit that our relationships are more important than being right all the time.
When you're married for many years, you learn the importance of saying: "Listen, I'm sorry I hurt you. Can we begin again."
Jesus was well aware of the importance of forgiveness in healing relationships. He incorporated forgiveness in the Lord's Prayer. He expressed it in this way: "Yes, if you forgive others their failings, your heavenly Father will forgive you your failings, but if you do not forgive others, your heavenly Father will not forgive you."
When you read what Jesus is saying here, one gets an impression that the Father's forgiveness is stingy and conditional: "I will not forgive you unless you forgive others".
The problem is that when we fail to ask for forgiveness, or when we fail to forgive others, then we set in motion, within ourselves, a disposition that separates our "true selves" from God. It's not that God will not forgive you, or does not want to forgive you. It's just that our own unforgiving disposition creates within us an obstacle to receiving God's abundant grace and love. We put up a wall between ourselves and God, a wall that prevents God's love from coming through. This is another reason why the admission of our wrongs, and the forgiveness of those who have hurt us is so important. It keeps our hearts free from the obstacles that prevent God's forgiveness from coming through.
Good relationships are built on our need to forgive and to be forgiven, even during those times when there is no real intention to hurt the other. No one is exempt. We all have a different level of sensitivities and they are not always in the same place. But a simple - "I'm sorry, can you forgive me so we can begin again" - is usually all that is needed to undo the hurt. This is needed in our homes, in our churches, and in our work places.
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